invisible

Its time to take to the stage
and i move out the way
So that they only see,
you thats inside of me,
don’t let me block the view,
thats not what i wanna do,
I gotta be see through,
make sure they see you,
make me invisible!

I just need to breathe for a moment. I need to take a big breath, inhale and allow God to fill my lungs with new air. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for about 3 months.  This has been a very interesting year.

I’m sitting here just really sort of at a loss for words, overwhelmed by what God has done. I’m trying to put this in a way that makes sense, so that anyone reading this doesn’t think – man she’s gone overboard. But you know what, who cares.  As matter of fact, that’s been my problem.

I’ve cared.  Sometimes too much. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a sincere passion for people. Even my personality  assessment was a strong S (Supporter).  Sometimes our greatest strengths/passions can become the very weakness that can cause us to slowly slip away from what God is doing in our lives.

Last week, during praise & worship service I became transparently repentive.  I felt like I was missing the connection to God. Like maybe I was talking to Him and He had perhaps put me on mute for a while or that something was causing my words to become  lost in translation. Or maybe, just maybe, He was trying to tell me something and I was the one with the misinterpretation.  At any rate, I felt like I was lost. Like I didn’t have the direction I use to have because so many people were looking at me like they felt sorry for me.  Actually it was like when you go in a grocery store knowing you went there for a reason and even after walking around the entire store you still can’t remember why you are there. 

I was there. But I was praying, I was reading the bible, I was having my own personal quiet time with God meditating on scriptures. I was getting a better understanding of how to apply the Word to my life and actually see the results.  So there I stood, with my hands up in full surrender. Recognizing that only He could be the one to give me clarity of mind and heart. Only He could help me to get rid of any confusion, any unanswered questions, any fears, doubts, even stamp the certainties with His approval. Yet, all I could do was cry because I felt lost. I felt like I was running but didn’t know where I was going.  I felt like I had been trying to help so many people come to understand who God was, how He could help heal their hurts, how He wasn’t the type of God who would let them down. I think my prayer was even “Lord I just don’t want to see them suffer, I’ve tried to tell them about you but they just don’t get it”. 

Every scripture, sermon, devotional, and song I had come across throughout the year painted this picture interpretation of the words which had been spoken over us at the beginning of the year: “You are positioned or are being positioned to prosper”.  Now with less than 1 month of this year remaining, I can’t help but reflect on my ‘posture’. 

I remember when I started realizing that God was using me as a group fitness instructor to help women understand their worth, value, and purpose. I remember when we came up with the name “inneractive” with an intentional emphasis on the inner. Our primary mission was to introduce Christ (inner) through fitness (active).  I knew this absolutely required me to live by example.  I’m honored beyond words to be able to help anyone, especially knowing that I still have a heap of issues that I’m working through. But I’ve been told that God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.  I accepted the call. I’m guessing now that I’m being qualified. And there’s nothing I can “do”.  Only, be prepared, let my light shine.

A few months ago we began studying the scripture in Matthew about the preparations of the wise and foolish. They were both told exactly what was expected, the necessary preparations; to get lamps and oil. However the wise ones got so much oil that some people would have considered it  more than enough, the foolish ones didn’t even get the minimum.  When they were called to use their lamps, the foolish didn’t have enough oil so their lights when out and they missed out on the opportunity to be involved.  The lamps are a metaphor of our own lives. The oil is the light of Christ in us.  I started to see a little more clearly that in the “being positioned to prosper” God needed me to simply do what He was asking me to do, even if it seemed to others that I was doing too much.

I never want to do anything outside of God’s Will for me. I never want to be an example of what not to be. And the idea that I’ve let someone down, especially God, is unbearable. The first time I heard the song “invisible” by Kierra Sheard I was in awe. This was my theme song. Although, a friend of mine says if you’ve got a theme song then you should probably get over yourself. Maybe I’m exempt on this one. Then again…

My posture on that day when I felt lost was one of surrender, from there I fell to my knees. My posture hasn’t changed. I’ll stay on my knees, that’s the position He wants me to stay in.  There’s nothing more I can do, say, be, have, attain, accomplish, post, tweet, unless I’m on my knees.  Redeem me Lord. Return me to my first love. The ONLY reason I want to do anything is so that they see you through me. Make me invisible.

Revelation 2:2-5 (Amplified Bible)

2I know your industry and activities, laborious toil and trouble, and your patient endurance, and how you cannot tolerate wicked [men] and have tested and critically appraised those who call [themselves] apostles (special messengers of Christ) and yet are not, and have found them to be impostors and liars.

    3I know you are enduring patiently and are bearing up for My name’s sake, and you have not fainted or become exhausted or grown weary.

    4But I have this [one charge to make] against you: that you have left (abandoned) the love that you had at first [you have deserted Me, your first love].

  5Remember then from what heights you have fallen. Repent (change the inner man to meet God’s will) and do the works you did previously [when first you knew the Lord], or else I will visit you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you change your mind and repent.

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